In our culture we are influenced to feel that "rare" things are more valuable. Diamonds are incredibly expensive because of their scarcity in nature. People in our culture who are famous are idealized. I often see a prejudice towards people that attend ivy league schools and have fancy degrees. Women who are tall and skinny with blond hair and blue eyes are very rare and considered more beautiful. Currently, there is a special appreciation for those women and men with foreign accents because of their uniqueness. I believe the reason so many people are painstakingly working towards a false state of perfection is that whatever is common is not considered valuable. When I was a child I thought all trees and wildflowers were beautiful. I did not care how many there were in sight. I found each one lovely in its own way. I still think a "common" grilled-cheese sandwich is more delightful than expensive caviar and wine. I believe quartz stone is more exciting and attractive than a colorless diamond. To understand beauty is to appreciate it all around you, not just in things that are hard to find. Try to think about the types of people, jobs, and material possessions that are lovely to you, independent of what society believes to be their worth.
Female clients and friends often chat with me about their dating lives. I have come to realize the largest problem people face today when dating is that one person (usually the woman) has a disproportionate interest in the person she is seeing. It is understandable that when there are problems in a relationship and someone we care about hurts us, we want to feel like there is an interest to communicate and work things out. Even if there can't be a mutual solution it is nice to know the other person has some interest to try to make things better. However, I notice many men are incredibly careless with the people they date. Women tell me they wish they lost weight or got a better job to show their ex-boyfriend he made a mistake in dumping them. But it is hard to make a person jealous or rethink an action when the other person has little emotional investment. I think many men would be surprised that the reason there are so many angry women is that they just want to feel like they matter to the men they are dating. If you are ready for love, it is human nature to want to feel acknowledged and cared for. But what happens when you are wronged and the other person doesn't care. How do you seek justice for wrongdoing? After much discussion and meditation, I realized you can't. Unfortunately, you really just have to forget about and ignore those people that hurt you. You can't force someone to feel jealous because you have a great life, a hot boyfriend, a fabulous career, etc. You can't force someone to care about your wellbeing. You can't emotionally reach someone who doesn't care. An analogy would be like trying to beat someone at a game of cards who has no interest in playing...The truth is simple. If the person you are dating had feelings for you, they would not hurt you to begin with. So I tell my friends and clients this. If you want to up the chances of having a successful relationship by 1000 % only date people who have the emotional capacity and readiness to love and deeply care about you. This will eliminate the largest obstacle facing daters today...Namely, if the person you are dating actually wants to be dating you.
For all my life I defined my worth by the way other people saw me. Men or random acquaintances determined my value. The way they saw me was a mirror reflection of how I thought of myself. I struggled most of my life wanting to be just like the popular girls everyone admired. I thought if I looked and acted just like them, I would finally feel beautiful and valued. As I lost weight, learned how to dress better and be more outwardly confident, I realized something about myself and others. Some people are in fact extremely superficial. People will decide your value and it will rise and fall quickly for any trivial reason. Seeing this phenomenon first hand, I realized I no longer really give a sh**t about what people think who don't love me. My family and close friends care about me no matter what I look like, how much money I have, where I went to school, etc.. and will be there for me when I am old and grey. Their reflection of me is what matters because they see my beauty and value my soul. Worth itself truly is relative. My grandma is in her mid 90's and I still think she is beautiful and wonderful despite what society would think of a frail elderly woman. Now that I am in my 30's I came to a point where I understand that worth has nothing to do with how random people see you. There will always be someone who is prettier, younger, more exciting, sexier, funnier, smarter, etc. than you. To be loved and valued is to be treasured for the mosaic of traits uniquely yours. No one should have to "sell" themselves to another to gain acceptance. It is important to see yourself clearly and not from other's distorted mirror of you. The lesson I am finally learning is that to finally end living a superficial life starts with one's own refusal to see oneself superficially. Namaste :)
That old movie quote "Love means never having to say you are sorry," never made sense to me. I assumed if I hurt someone I love, of course I should apologize. I heard the quote again recently, and I think I finally understand the meaning. If you love someone and know they love you back any action taken will be done for your benefit in mind and vice versa. Someone who loves you wants the best for you. Like a loving parent towards a child, no actions are done to purposely hurt the child. Even if a mistake was made, forgiveness is granted since love is unconditional. After meditating on the quote further, I stumbled upon one of the biggest obstacles we face in communicating with other people. We want those we care about to respect our thoughts and feelings, but many people in our lives don't really care about us. We can't force someone to think of our best interest equal to their own. We can't force love. There are only a few people you will meet in your life that will love you unconditionally and for those rare wonderful people, you will never have to say you are sorry. They will love you forever.